


i'll carry the weight of your world on my shoulders

by campbellswolfe



Category: Holby City
Genre: Elinor dies, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Really mild angst, caring!bmam, caring!wine mum too, fluff in most parts too, the aftermath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-14 02:11:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11773326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/campbellswolfe/pseuds/campbellswolfe
Summary: Three times Bernie was there for Serena and the one time Serena was there for her in return.





	1. with a love so deep and warm and true, i will be there

**Author's Note:**

> i was really drunk last night when i got the idea for this so, y'all have a healthy mix of gin and vodka to thank for this creation, i hope you like it :)
> 
> this first chapter is just a wee one but the next three will be longer and have dialogue included!

1.

It's been a week since Elinor's death and Serena, understandably, is not coping. At all, in fact.

All of the things she was incapable of managing at the moment, Bernie took care of.

oOo 

Bernie would take the bins out and back in again each day, Serena's mind too preoccupied to remember the dates of what specific colour of bin needed to be emptied.

She'd cook meals each night knowing fine well Serena wasn't eating properly. She would sit at the dinner table with Bernie, a lengthy awkward silence filling the air. Serena would stare down at her plate, picking at the vegetables, tears threatening to fall, not daring to spill quite yet. Later.

So Bernie would scrape Serena's full plate of food into recycling, put the remainders from the pots into plastic Tupperware boxes and into the freezer should Serena ever need something to fill her stomach in Bernie's absence.

oOo 

Bernie left a glass of water and a strip of paracetamol by Serena's bedside every night. Every night that Serena had said she wanted time to herself. Those nights, more often than not, Serena had consumed two bottles of wine and would struggle to leave her bed the next morning.

So Bernie was respectful, contemplated leaving and returning to her flat. She decided against doing that, decided to stay in the spare room just next door instead. She barely slept, being awakened constantly by the sound of Serena sniffing, her strangled sobs, her persistent tossing and turning on the bed causing the springs to squeak. Bernie so desperately wanted to go through and lay with her, stroke her hair until she finally let sleep succumb her, murmur words of love and support into her hair. But she didn't.  
Serena was adamant she wanted to be alone, and Bernie allowed her the time she needed to be by herself whilst still being only two steps away down the hall should Serena need her. 

For the most part, Bernie is a deep sleeper, had to be throughout her army days with the loud noises being a twenty four hour occurrence.

One night, Bernie finally managed an uninterrupted 8 hour sleep. Serena had woken after an unpleasant dream in the middle of the night, needing to feel the warmth and safety of another human being, she made her way into the spare room and quietly wrapped herself around Bernie under the covers. She placed a kiss to Bernie's bare shoulder. Thought to herself for a moment,

_Things might be okay, they just might be, with you by my side. ___


	2. i still want you by my side, just to help me dry the tears that i've cried

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's all just major feels from here on in now and there will be lots of dialogue in the next two chapters after this one, i promise - i just didn't feel like words fit well in these first two chapters and in my mind, that's what happened in canon also.
> 
> enjoy and as always, i'd love to hear your feedback, comments make me v happy!! <3

2.

 

Serena wants the funeral to be a blur but instead it is achingly long. She watches the pallbearers carry the coffin; she watches them put it on the stand. She wants to fidget, to move, to run - to the casket or from this reality, she's not sure - and just as she shifts on her feet, a warm hand slips into hers. Serena doesn't need to look around to know the hand belongs to Bernie.

And _of course_ Bernie is here, in defiance of Serena's express request, not that they ever managed to discuss it properly. She and Bernie have been playing phone tag for the past three days, Bernie leaving her short and heartfelt messages should Serena ever need them, _and she did._ Serena asking to be alone, wanting to get through this by herself, before breathing into the phone and doing her best not to cry. 

"It's okay, Serena, you're okay. You can do this." Bernie gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, and Serena sat up straight, composed herself and gave a tight nod.

oOo 

Serena escapes from the wake as quickly as she can, avoiding relatives as best she can. Maybe 'escape' is the wrong word; maybe she makes a dignified retreat. Regardless, she goes home, goes to her bedroom and draws the curtains, slips out of her heels and lies down on the bed.

 

\--

 

Little did she know that Bernie caught her leaving the venue, watched her get into her car and drive off, and so Bernie followed her shortly after, not wanting Serena to be alone, knowing Serena probably didn't want to be alone either.

 

\--

 

That's how Bernie finds her. Bernie doesn't scold or raise her eyebrows. Instead she gets into bed next to Serena, laying flat on her back initially before turning to curl herself around Serena's now shaking body, their knees tucked snugly together. Serena pulls Bernie's draped arm tighter across her stomach, as if Bernie was her anchor, keeping her afloat, stopping her from sinking deep into the sea of grief and pain that has washed over her.

She grasps for Bernie's hand, entwines their fingers. Serena's sobs have now slowed and Bernie could be sure that she was now asleep.

Bernie whispered into the nape of the brunette's neck, "I'm here, Serena. I always will be."

 

\--

 

Unbeknownst to her, Serena was still fighting sleep.

 

Unbeknownst to her, a stray tear had escaped Serena's eye and was slowly but surely trailing down the right side of her cheek, eventually hitting the pillow.

 

Unbeknownst to her, all of Bernie's efforts of keeping Serena sane and living, had not gone unnoticed. One day, Serena would find the right words to thank Bernie for all she's done.

_One day._


	3. if you want a healer for your pain, i will be there time and time again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled to get the dialogue right with this one, I didn't want to make it unnatural or OOC for either of them but I hope it's okay. I know I said there would be a lot more dialogue but I feel as though actions speak louder than words in this particular fic? That may just be me, so if you lot would prefer more chat between them, I can adapt it.
> 
> Your feedback is as always greatly appreciated and I LOVE reading all of your comments. Thanks for sticking with this lovies. <3

3.

It wasn't until they were both reunited in France that Serena had thanked Bernie for all she had done. Her efforts really hadn't been overlooked and Serena would spend forever thanking Bernie for it all.

oOo 

Their third day together brought the elephant in the room to attention. Bernie told Serena on the day she arrived that she would only be in France for a short while, Serena's heart shattering at the implications of this. Bernie was leaving her, she wasn't coming back, this was goodbye.

Bernie instantly spotting the uncertainty and sadness flickering across Serena's face, explained her plans thoroughly to Serena and reassured her that she wouldn't be in any kind of danger or putting her life at risk. They spent the evening up on the balcony in Serena's room, hand in hand, sipping wine and chatting about their future which all in all, sounded positive. Serena was finally ready to let Bernie into her heart for good. They just had one more hurdle to overcome, being, Bernie going off to work in Sudan for two months. Serena understood that Bernie needed to say a proper goodbye to her military life and then they could find somewhere in the world to settle down for good and enjoy the rest of their lives together.

oOo 

One night, Bernie awoke in the early hours only to find the other side of the bed cold and empty, she worried for a second before realising the light from the back porch was lit and beaming through the bedroom window.

She wrapped herself in her oversized robe and trekked down the stairs, making her way into the garden and stopped at the doorway to take in the sight of Serena standing in front of a tall plant. It was bright purple, _Elinor's favourite colour,_ Bernie remembers, and thinks Serena must have planted this for her. 

Bernie gives her a moment longer, sadly smiling at her partner from a distance and trying to think of something, anything that she could do or say to make this situation better, thinks maybe she should leave Serena to it. Just before she turns to head back inside she catches sight of the brunette's shoulders starting to bob up and down ever so slightly, arms wrapping around her upper body. Bernie cautiously approaches the brunette, gently whispering "Serena" to alert her that she was no longer alone. Serena furiously swiped at her eyes and began to protest that she is fine, she is okay, as she always did when caught in these types of situations. But Bernie knows she isn't. There's progress, but she just isn't quite there. Not yet.

Bernie opens up her robe by the lapels and wraps her arms and the thick material around Serena's body snugly from behind, leaning her head against her shoulder and placing a feather light kiss to Serena's neck. Serena turns in Bernie's arms and chokes back a sob, only holds on tighter to the woman she loves so dearly, her rock, her Bernie.

The only words she can muster up whilst swallowing back the present lump in her throat are, "I'm so sorry, Bernie. I don't know how to begin to tell you just how thankful I am to have you."

 

\--

 

Bernie guides them both into the conservatory, leaving Serena momentarily to warm up two mugs of milk in the microwave. On her return, she removes her robe completely to wrap Serena up in it, she didn't know how long she had been standing out there for. It begins to rain and they listen to the calming pitter patter of raindrops hitting the glass roof. Serena was now curled into Bernie's side on the two seater chair, face resting in the crook of Bernie's neck. Their hands were entwined, the other being warmed by a mug of milk. 

"Listen, Serena, I can't take your grief away. As much as I wish I could, I can't. But I promise you that there will never be a day where you have to go through any of it alone. I'm here for as long as you need me."

After a few momtns of silence and of Bernie not knowing if she'd said the right or wrong thing, Serena spoke. 

"I- Bernie," Serena sighed and lifted her head to look Bernie straight in the eye, "I always need you. Believe it or not, I do. There is no way I would have gotten through these past few months without you. Even though I continuously pushed you away and was unbearable to be around at times, you stood by me, and I meant what I said earlier. Thank you for everything."

The sincerity in Serena's words made Bernie's heart flip, there is nothing she wouldn't do for this woman. Nothing she wouldn't do to keep her safe and warm and content. Bernie planted a soft kiss to the tip of Serena's nose, brushed an out of place strand of hair back from her forehead and softly traced Serena's cheeks with her knuckles. _Goodness,_ she thought, _this woman is so beautiful._

"Things won't ever be the same, I won't be the same." Bernie turned her gaze from Serena to the mug of lukewarm milk that she was still cradling in her hands, she waited with baited breath to hear what Serena had to say next. Serena noticed the sad look in Bernie's eyes, it was almost tinged with a fear of rejection but yet still so full of hope. 

She tilted Bernie's chin up with her fingertips, locked eyes with her love once more and said in the most reasurring way possible,

 

"But with my best friend by my side, I am almost certain that I will get through this."

 

\--

 

Bernie doesn't go to Sudan.

 

\--

She thought the army was home, where she truly belonged, but boy, how wrong she was.

Serena is home.

Always has been and always will be.


	4. if it's the only thing i ever do, i will always love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is the +1 of Serena being there for Bernie. I hope you like it!

oOo 

Bernie hasn't really taken the time to process her own feelings, her own grief. It wasn't until now, when she was in the safety of Serena's company, that she allowed herself to contemplate her emotions and how she is _really_ coping.

Bernie hasn't spoken about Jasmine. Not to anyone in fact. Serena hasn't mentioned it since her arrival either but she knows that Bernie was in theatre that day doing all she could to save her. She knows Bernie well enough now and can tell she carries around guilt and blame for it, can tell there is something still weighing her down and she'll make sure she gets to the bottom of it.

oOo 

That time comes when they are both hand in hand and walking along the Seine, their last day in France before returning to Holby. Serena stops to take a few photographs of the scenery while Bernie continues on ahead to gather her thoughts. The peace and tranquility she felt in this moment struck a chord in her, she thought back over the past year. Elinor dying, Serena completely falling apart, her own kids moving away to pursue their own lives, losing a colleague and then losing the trauma unit was the final straw. She cast her mind back to Jasmine, wonderful, talented, full of life Jasmine who had so much still to give. She paused and look out across the water, the tears now threatening to spill. 

Serena approaches her, sees the visible upset etched across Bernie's face. Bernie turns to Serena and says through choked sobs, "I did all I could. I really did."

She knew this moment was bound to come sooner or later. Serena allowed herself to push her own grief aside in order to fully immerse herself into helping Bernie through this sadness that she feels. She nods solemnly and takes the blonde into her arms, engulfs her in a fierce hug, whispers in Bernie's ear, "I know, darling."

Bernie pulls away after a while to wipe at her tears. "Sorry, I should be the one making sure that you're okay. You shouldn't have to be taking care of me."

Serena catches her by the wrists and pulls them back down to her side, cups Bernie's cheeks with her palms and looks her dead in the eye. "Berenice Wolfe, you have gone above and beyond for me this year. Let me be here for you just this once, let me in, let yourself be upset."

Bernie nods. "You're pretty good at hugs, you know." 

Serena laughs at this before wrapping her arms around Bernie's shoulders once more.

"Well, all the more reason to give you them more often then, my love."

oOo 

Serena led them back to their rented apartment sometime later, it was only a short walk from where they were. They shucked off their outerwear, Bernie making her way into the living room and curling up into a ball on the sofa. All of these emotions that she'd bottled up now all of sudden creeping up on her due to the knowledge that they were returning back home the next day, back to where the ghosts and echoes still lie, she allowed herself this time to properly process everything. 

Bernie hadn't noticed Serena come back in, she came bearing two mugs of strong coffee. Locking eyes for the first time since making it through the door, Bernie covered her face with her free hand and cried, softly at first but then sobbing harshly by the time Serena pulled her into the comfort of her arms. Bernie clutched at Serena's blouse, gripping the material tightly in her fists as she let out all the emotions that had been pent up since she'd raced up those stairs to get to Serena on the roof.

Serena didn't say anything, knew Bernie would speak in her own time. She just held Bernie until an indeterminate time had passed and Bernie pulled back far enough to press her forehead against Serena's.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Enough of that. I want you to know that I'm here for you, regardless of all that has happened. You're not alone in this." Serena swiped her thumbs across Bernie's cheeks to wipe away the remnants of her tears before placing a gentle kiss on her lips. Bernie kissed her back, too tired and emotionally spent to do much else.

oOo 

A while later after Bernie's minor breakdown and after they'd packed their suitcases for the journey home tomorrow, they were both exhausted and ended up in bed straight after dinner. Serena turned to face Bernie who was still lying on her back staring at the ceiling. "I'm never letting us be apart ever, ever again, Bernie."

"Ever, _ever_ again, hmm?" Bernie turned also, smirking at Serena.

Serena nodded and Bernie leaned in closer, capturing her lips in a chaste kiss. "And what about at work, alternating shifts? Days off? Or when I run in the mornings?"

"Yes, alright, smart arse," Serena laughed and nuzzled her nose into Bernie's, "you know what I mean."

"I do. And thank you. You know, I can't believe it's taken me this long in life to find you. I only wish we'd had more time."

Serena cut her off. "We have time, Bernie, more than enough time. As much time as you want, with me. You're my world, every breath I take."

Bernie was sure she'd heard that line somewhere before. "Um, Serena, is that Cilla Black or Sting that you are quoting?"

Serena chuckled. "I haven't a bloody clue but it's all still very true!"

 

-

 

"I love you"

Serena doesn't mean to say it, doesn't know if she's allowed to or if it will be welcome. They haven't uttered those three words to one another since they first parted ways at the airport, just before she left for her sabbatical.

Bernie stiffens before exhaling, she's longed to hear those words again. She pulls away to look at Serena and strokes her cheek lovingly.

"And I you, Serena. I have since the very first moment I met you."

 

-

 

Nothing else mattered in that moment except that the two of them were together.

 

Bernie was there for Serena and Serena was there for Bernie.

That's how it would always be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all, folks! I really do hope you enjoyed these wee snippets. I know they were short and sweet but hopefully I managed to convey the emotions well and it wasn't too OOC.
> 
> Thank you for reading and to all of you who commented just know that it means a lot and spurs me on to write more. Bless you all <3


End file.
